I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
