my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
jump out the window naked night went bad
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