So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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