Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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