Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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