The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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