Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
