I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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