I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize