New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
