I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize