im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He kissed a someone with a penis
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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