Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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