im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
