Nicole vs. Life
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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