We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
