I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I am one with the molecules
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
