The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
