I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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