Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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