I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
