I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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