Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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