My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
