I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
