I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
