I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
