I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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