Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You ate ashes out of my bong
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
