The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize