I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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