I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
