Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
