I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
