and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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