how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
