I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
