broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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