The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
