I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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