im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
When are your genitals available?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
