I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the day after is always just damage control
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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