Dude my mom stole all your condoms
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
