So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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