I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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