i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
