it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
