Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
try to milk me bitch
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