i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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