hotel room ftw
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
