Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
