Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
