idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
