she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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