he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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