If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
FUCK WHALES
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