Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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