Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
why do cheetos always look like penises
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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