i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
