I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
