I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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