i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
